I give up.

Sounds like a pretty crazy thing to say, doesn’t it.

One doesn’t just give up. Especially those of us who have always been seen as the “strong one”.

The resilient one. The one that always perseveres. The one that somehow manages to smile through it all. The worst of things. They just keep going. It seems that they never stop. They seem to always have it together and all figured out.

Today I’ve decided that’s not me anymore.

Because I give up.

I quit.

I simply can’t.

Not me anymore.

Not on my own.

Not in my own strength.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I surrender.

Yep. I s u r r e n d e r – fully, completely, totally, unequivocally, entirely, and wholly.

I simply cannot go any further on my own.

I refuse to. I won’t survive. Not this time. I just know.

You see if you didn’t already know, I’m a cancer patient. Which is crazy for me to even be saying again. But yes, I’m currently battling stage 4 breast cancer. And to be quite honest, my health is currently at the worst it’s been since nearly 5 years ago when I was firs initially diagnosed.

In February I had some scans done and it showed that the cancer had spread to multiple organs in my body – Right Lung & Left Kidney. While also having a mass about the size of a small tv remote control. Which then a skin lesion grew on top of, busted and I am now currently having to deal with tissue being exposed and trying my best to avoid an infection.

I’ve been to the hospital 3 times within the past 5 days. Which is a first for me and hopefully a last too.

So yeah, I give up. I surrender. I quit. I’m done.

Because let me tell you, you may not be able to tell on the outside looking in, but your girl is tiiiiired.

Tired of being the “strong one”. Tired of feeling the constant pressure I feel being my girls only parent. Tired of always having to put up a front to not discourage others when things get tough.

I cannot tell you the amount of times someone has told me that my Faith has helped them. So how could I not continue to fight? I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders – mine and theirs.

I am not strong. I am weak. And that’s okay

Because guess who is strong? God is. Always.

& I am perfectly okay with it being that way.

I know it sounds so easy to say or to read and you’ll just roll your eyes because how could someone possibly understand what you’re going through?

How could it be fair that you’re life is the way it is right now?

When will you finally see the light while lie in this dark deep tunnel it seems that you’re always in?

But let me tell you, it will get better. And that doesn’t mean that things will be all rainbow and butterflies from that point on. It means that you’ll be better equipped for what may come next.

So when things seem so unbelievably dark, let some light in. For example: Talk to God, tell Him how you’re feeling – He already knows anyway so find comfort in Him. Listen to praise/worship music or read the Word Of God. Smile back at that stranger smiling at you. Soak in those random messages you get from a friend/loved one. Listen and enjoy the sound of laughter filling the room. Be the light for someone else that may need it as desperately as you do.

Let. The. Light. In.

Don’t be consumed in your own darkness.

Remember that stars shine brightest when it’s darkest.

So keep shining wherever you are.

Everything will work out.

God’s got you. 🙏🏼