November 19th. I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive.It was definitely not something that I was expecting nor was it planned. But I felt nothing but pure happiness as soon as I saw those two little lines. My instincts hadn’t failed me, I was going to be a mommy again. I was going to get my rainbow baby and be happy again… or so I thought anyway.

That happiness didn’t last very long at all. I actually ended up in the hospital later that night. I had already experienced some slight spotting earlier that month and with treatment being that next day, I wanted to make sure I was still pregnant and baby was okay. The pregnancy was confirmed and that’s when all the worry came in. With this disease I had, pregnancy was almost a death sentence for me. I was told to take it easy and meet with my oncologist and OBGYN as quickly as possible.

The following day, I met up with my amazing OB. After he re-confirmed my pregnancy he immediately offered elective termination. He said he understood that with my health being the way it was, a baby wasn’t the best idea. I told him no without hesitation. I was going to keep the baby and do everything in my power to keep him/her alive and well. After discussing my options, he did and ultrasound and saw what looked like the embryo and the sac. He asked me to come back the following week to see if we can get a heartbeat and see any growth.

Despite the complications that followed after that appointment, I decided to share the news with y’all and announce my rainbow baby… I wanted my baby to feel nothing but love and tossed out fear from my mind. Although I knew my chances were slim to none to carry to term, my baby deserved to be celebrated… Shortly after, I was back at the hospital yet again. It didn’t look good. There was no significant growth, no fetal heartbeat and my HCG levels were too low.
“I’m sorry but it looks like this is going to be another miscarriage.”
I cried myself to sleep that night….

The following day I went to see my OB again and talked about options. After my last miscarriage and with my health being more delicate this time around, I opted to wait and see if i could naturally miscarriage this time. After waiting some time, nothing happened and everything seemed normal. So I went back to see my Dr. once again and after re-confirming with yet another ultrasound, I decided to try medication next. With my background, I got prescribed a much smaller dosage. I took the medicine and had no effect after 24hrs. I let my Dr. know and he ordered me more medicine. On December 12th I had some bleeding but only experienced it for about 5 minutes. I continued to take what was left of the medication without anything else occurring. 

Fast forward to a few days later and I started feeling a little under the weather. With other people being sick in the household, I didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t until later that night when I started getting cold shivers, my temperature had spiked and I was freezing! When I saw that I had a fever of 102° all I could think was infection from an incomplete miscarriage. After watching 14 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy I thought I was a doctor and didn’t want to get a septic miscarriage. I went to the ER and sure enough, I had an infection. There was still “left over product” from the pregnancy which needed to be taken out. 

On December 18th, I had my D&C. It was different from the one I had in 2017. I remember every single detail about this one. Which made it that much harder to go through. I was given antibiotics to take at home and continued on with my day as if nothing had happened. After all, I did have two little ones waiting for me at home who didn’t understand what had happened… Every now and then they ask when the baby is coming and what is taking so long. They’re confused because mommy’s belly has gotten smaller instead of bigger… I have to give them a gentle reminder of what happened and they quickly forget about it.

You would think that after having experienced such a loss before, it would be easier the second time around but it isn’t. It has definitely been harder for me, especially when you’re told that carrying a child of your own is out of the question until further notice. It’s hard when you don’t feel like you’re done being a mom… this was supposed to be my rainbow baby but it ended up just being another storm for me. I imagine what my life would be with 3 little ones and pregnant with my 4th but life had other plans. I’ll never understand nor will I know why but I know that I have to keep going.
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Life doesn’t make sense nor is it always fair but I know will forever love all four of my babies. Here’s to being the best mommy for y’all.