Losing anyone at any given time is a pain you feel like no one can understand. Although no one may ever feel exactly how you’re feeling during this time of grief, it’s definitely relatable. We all have experienced loss in one way or another. Whether that be by the death of someone we knew or someone choosing to walk away from us. My grief that I feel compelled to share with you is miscarriage. It’s a subject that you don’t really understand until you have gone through it yourself. Miscarriage is unfortunately very common and doesn’t have any preferences.

My Story Begins Like This… 

On June 7th I had some light pink/brown spotting. “I’m Pregnant” I immediately said to myself. I told my husband that we were going to have another baby. He thought I was crazy. Nobody believed me. So when I missed my period, it was no surprise to me. I decided to take a test On the 12th to confirm my suspicions. It came back positive! I was over the moon excited! I immediately called my doctors office and set up an appointment for the following day. I went in, the pee test came back negative. I was so confused. What was going on? I demanded for a blood test just to be 1000% clear that I indeed was not pregnant and maybe the other test was just defective. I got a call back from them on the 16th that the blood test had come back negative as well and I was indeed not pregnant. I was devastated. I didn’t realize how badly I wanted another child. I just took it as “not the right timing” and that it wasn’t meant to bet just yet. A week had passed and still no period so I decided that I had to take another test just to get it out of my head.  On the 24th I took a test and it came back negative but for some reason I just could not get the idea out of my mind. A week passed by and still no sign of aunt flow coming. So yet again, I decided to buy another pregnancy test. It came back positive. I knew it!! I knew I wasn’t crazy!! Another baby on the way, “it’s a boy” I thought to myself. I shared the news with my husband and my mom. We were in shock.

The next morning I got up and went to the bathroom, I noticed blood. I was crushed. I reminded myself that I had experienced this with my other two pregnancies and both my girls came out perfectly healthy. I convinced myself that everything was going to be okay. God had given me this baby and He wouldn’t take it away from me. Only July 2nd it was no longer spotting, I was now bleeding. I decided to go to the hospital. They did a urine test and a blood test to make sure my HCG levels were where they were supposed to be. The test results came back, they were way too low according to how far along I was supposed to be. They told me I had more than likely experienced a miscarriage. I was devastated. Why? I was told to follow up with my Dr. and get my blood withdrawn just to confirm this terrible news. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to be told the same thing again. I couldn’t bare it.  I went anyway…. I got my blood withdrawn and they told me they would get back to be as quickly as possible. The following day they were closed, it was a holiday. No word back. So to ease my mind, I decided to take yet another test even though I was advised not to since those hormones would still be in my body and it would still say I was pregnant even if I was having a miscarriage. I didn’t listen. I took the test. It read P R E G N A N T. It gave me hope.

After calling several times and leaving messages. I finally heard back. My blood results were in. My HCG levels had not only increased but almost TRIPLED! Indicating that my pregnancy was taking the course it was supposed to and I was just much earlier in my pregnancy than what they originally thought. I could finally share the news! I wanted to share my joy with everyone! Although it was still very early in my pregnancy, I wanted to take my loved ones on this journey with me. I told my husband to change and get the camera ready. We had to announce it that same day! I was still pregnant and wanted to enjoy every bit of it! On July 6th we decided to announce it on social media after telling our immediate family. The amount of love and support we received was incredible.  We were already so in love with our little miracle.

A week later I was at the doctors office again. Just a check up to see if I was far along enough to see the baby. It was too soon. The doctor could only see the sac and a tiny spec. He couldn’t confirm that it was the baby so he suggested I come back. 10 days later, I was back again. to make sure baby was there and growing. I saw what looked like a little blob. My baby. It was still very early in my pregnancy and I saw little heart fluttering. I got to hear the heartbeat. It sounded perfect. Healthy and strong. My doctor told me that he was pleased with what he saw and he felt the baby would be fine and scheduled me for another appointment in a month. I was happy. I was so relieved. My baby was such a fighter.

Fast Forward to August 15th… I went to the bathroom and passed a tiny little clot. “Something’s wrong” I immediately thought to myself. I told my husband about it and told him I wanted to go to the ER that night just to be sure but didn’t want to go alone (He was working nights at this moment). But he told me that he wouldn’t be able to miss work and he was sure everything was okay but that it was up to me if I wanted to go. Against my better judgement, I stayed and didn’t go get the baby checked on. Two days passed and I still felt something off, something was different. I could’t shake the feeling off so I decided to call my doctors office. I spoke with a nurse and she told me to come in within the hour. That only confirmed my suspicions, something was wrong. I told my husband I was going to the doctor and my oldest one decided she just had to come along with me because she wanted to see the baby too. I knew I probably wasn’t going to get good news but I decided to take her either way.

On August 17th we got to the doctors office and were seen immediately. My nurse practitioner came in and asked what was going on so I told her. She didn’t seem too concerned since I had already been experiencing some bleeding and had no other symptoms. She proceeded to tell me that everything was okay and she reached for the fetal doppler to check baby’s heartbeat – she struggled. She said it was too early to hear it from the outside that she would try a sonogram instead (I was 10 weeks). That’s when I started worrying. Something was wrong and I knew it. She brought the sonogram machine in. My toddler was excited to see the baby. The doctor saw the baby and looked concerned. She switched the sonogram mode to see the blood flow. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I wanted to close my eyes. I didn’t want to hear the words I knew she was about to speak.

“I’m not seeing a heart beat today. It looks your baby stopped growing 2-3 days ago.”  Her words resonated and I was in shock. She started taking measurements and took photos of my little angel. She said she would get another doctor to ensure that they got the same result. That gave me some small hope even though I had already seen the results for myself. I texted my husband the news. He called me right away. I said just pray, pray hard and hung up. Another doctor came in and took a look at the baby. “I’m Sorry” he said and that’s when I broke down (at least for 5 seconds) until I realized my toddler was looking at me. I had to be strong for her. She wiped away my tears and asked why I was crying. Was I crying because of the baby? I told her I was going to be okay and sat her on my lap. My nurse practitioner went over the options with me. I told her I didn’t want to do anything and I’d wait it out. I was still in shock and in complete denial. My baby had to be okay. I went home, laid in bed and cried as my husband held me tight. I couldn’t understand why this was happening to us. We prayed and called out to God just waiting for an answer. We told no one but his parents and my mom. I didn’t want to accept what was happening, my baby had to be okay….. I ended up back in the ER that night just to get a re-confirmation of what was going. No heart beat.

We waited to see if I would miscarry naturally before having to take medical action. It stung when people would ask how the baby was and take guesses on what the gender was and I would respond was “just pray, I don’t care if it’s a boy or girl just want a healthy baby”. I was broken but couldn’t show my pain. I wasn’t ready to let go of my baby. How could I ever be ready? At this point, a week had already passed without anything changing. I went to the see my doctor and go over what the next step was. He greeted me and said “I’m Sorry”. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. He performed yet another sonogram just to verify nothing had changed. No heart beat. We went over my options and decided that the “best” route for me were the pills. Later that night after everyone was asleep, I took my first dose. Thirty minutes passed by and I felt the cramping. I couldn’t sleep after that. The physical pain wasn’t extreme in any way but my emotional state of mind was a mess. I couldn’t believe what I was doing. My poor baby. How could my body fail me.

The bleeding started. Nothing too crazy. Like a normal period (or so I thought). I was in and out of the bathroom. I decided to go lay in bed and try to sleep and get some much needed mental rest. As soon as I laid down, I felt a gush come out. “My water broke” I thought to myself. So I rushed back in the bathroom. Only it wasn’t much of any water, it was more blood than anything. I texted my husband to see if he would respond. He was totally knocked out. I felt clots coming out. With each one I was thinking if it was my baby. 30 minutes passed. I was still on the toilet. I had flushed the toilet countless times. Was this normal? Was I supposed to be bleeding this much? At this point it was 3AM. I “yelled” for my husband. He couldn’t hear me. I didn’t want to wake up the girls. I didn’t want them to see me like this. I called and texted him with no response. I decided to tough it out, wait a little longer. I’m sure the bleeding would slow down… So I waited an hour. I was wrong. I started feeling really weak and felt like I was going to pass out. I called my mother-in-law. Thank God she answered the phone. I asked her if she could bring me some juice or gatorade or something to help me. She got in the bathroom and handed me gatorade. As soon as she took one look at me, she went to wake up my husband. I yelled for her. I couldn’t see anymore, everything was blurry. I was blacking out. I couldn’t be left alone. My husband wakes up and checks on me and starts getting ready. We have to go to the hospital, now. I couldn’t stay awake anymore. I had no strength. I thought of my two girls, they needed their mom. My mother-in-law helped me change clothes. We got in the car and took off to the ER. It felt like the longest drive of my life. “I’ll never make it” I thought.

We finally arrive at the hospital, I check in and the receptionist tells me someone will call my name promptly. We had only been there for 2 minutes when  I told my husband to wheel me to the bathroom. I felt the blood coming. It was too late. I felt another gush. I got to the bathroom stall and had blood all over me. I started feeling really weak again. I texted my husband to ask  someone for some pads as I only had brought one and that one was completely soaked within seconds. He came in the bathroom and helped me change, we then headed back to the waiting. I told him to ask how much longer it was going to take for me to be seen. Apparently they called me while I was in the bathroom and would call me again shortly. Then I felt it again, another big gush. I started feeling horribly again. I couldn’t see anymore. I asked for some Gatorade to see if that would help. After what seemed like an eternity (it had only been 3 minutes) , they called me. The nurse took one look at me and knew something was wrong. She took my blood pressure 67/39. She took me back immediately. 

I don’t remember a lot I just know they kept telling my husband to not let me fall asleep. I remember telling him that I loved him and to take care of our kids. Nurses kept asking me questions and I wouldn’t answer. I just wanted to be left alone. My bleeding hadn’t stopped and they had to get it under control. They called my doctor. I had to get a D&C. He wanted to ensure everything was out and most importantly, he needed to stop the bleeding. They talked about me needing a transfusion. The surgery would take place within the hour. I cried. That’s the last thing I wanted. This is why I had opted for the pills but it was out of my control. Before taken into the operation room, me and my husband prayed together. I told him I loved him and said my goodbyes. I was told there had been some complications during the procedure; They had to stick a tube down my throat since I was having trouble breathing on my own. If I had lost even a few more ounces of blood, I would’ve had to get a transfusion. Most doctors would’ve opted for it either way but my doctor new I was against it so he decided not to until it was absolutely needed. 

I was moved to recovery and finally able to see my husband again. A nurse explained to us what my care should be like post surgery and all the do’s and don’ts for me. Within the hour, I was released to go back home. We went to bed and my husband fell asleep. I wasn’t able to. I was trying to catch up to everything that had just happened. I was drained in every way possible; emotionally, physically and mentally. Then came the follow-up doctor’s visits. That was the worst. To continually have to hear over and over again that you had lost your baby. The countless blood work, urine tests and sonograms. To see the positive pregnancy tests and know there was nothing positive about it. I eventually stopped going to my doctors office, it was too painful for me.  

Then came the fun part, I had to let everyone know. So the questions would stop on how the baby was doing and how I was feeling. Did I know what I was having yet? I couldn’t bare having those questions asked again… So I went on Instagram, and posted the terrible news. I included so many details. None that I wanted to really share. I just didn’t want to have to answer any questions. I wanted to grieve. I then shared that post with the rest of my social media platforms. Immediately I had people saying the one word I didn’t want to hear, “I’m So Sorry” they all kept saying over and over again. I couldn’t bare to read the messages or text messages I was receiving. I denied the calls that I was receiving. A few hours later, I finally had the courage to open up Facebook and read through the comments…. I got through a couple but the tears started pouring out. I was being constantly reminded of my tragedy and all anyone could say was “sorry”. As if it was any of their faults.. It just made everything so much worse. The next day, I deleted the post. I was overwhelmed. I understand that people were just trying to show me love and compassion, but I didn’t want to hear it. I had to grieve on my own. I wanted to be left alone with my pain…..

There is not one day that goes by that I don’t think “What If”…. Having a miscarriage, no matter how early or late you are in your pregnancy, it is the worst type of pain you can endure. The pain is always there and doesn’t go away, it’s something you have to learn to live with and cope with. Here’s to you my angel, and being the most amazing mommy I can be. I’ll see you soon….